Dear Aunty Permelia
I was so glad to see the end of 2020 but 2021 is turning out to be even worse. Not only did I discover that my real father was Fred West, I also found out that my mother and step father are swingers and that my step father has been using the services of a cross-dressing prostitute. Not only I am incredibly jealous that my elderly parents are having sex and I am not, I feel that I have lost my identity and that the past 49 and a half years have been a lie. How can I get past this?*
*Letter has been shortened for editorial purposes and reader sensitivity and because he was boring the tits off me.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Apologies for the delayed response but quite frankly your handwriting is worse than a 5 year old child’s and it has taken me all this time to decipher it. Have you had a stroke?
You have every right to feel like your world has ended and that you could very easily take a long walk off a short cliff in Dumpton Gap. Overnight you have gone from being the son of an unemployed alcoholic to the son of a murdering paedophile. Both men are dead so just be grateful that you don’t have the awkward conundrum of who to spend Christmas Day with. Small comfort I know when you every day you look in the mirror and see your murdering paedophile father staring back at you.
It looks that you have been in denial about your family situation and that you have always suspected that Alan wasn’t your real father after each drunken beating you received from him. Your subconscious blocked out the childhood trauma of Alan shouting “You ugly son of a fat whore who fucked Fred West” as he beat you with his Freeman Hardy Willis slip-on shoe. I do wonder why it took you so long to discover that your mum and step dad are both filthy degenerates. From the photos you found on your mum’s phone when you were using her minutes as you were waiting for giro day to top up, you must have known that it is not normal for an elderly couple to play mixed doubles wearing nothing but gimp masks. Just a simple reverse image search on the photos you enclosed with your letter, led me to some very disturbing websites. Your mother is very flexible for an old fat bird so at least she won’t be too much of a burden on you in her dotage.
Now you might want to sit down for this bit. I hate to be the one to break this to you but the cross-dressing prostitute that your father has been visiting is in fact your boyfriend Sameed. Having looked closely at the photo you found in your step dad’s wallet when you were stealing £5 from him so you could go to Wetherspoons, it does appear that the tattoo on the prostitute’s inner right arm is exactly the same as the tattoo on the inner right arm of Sameed in the picture of you both on your first date at the Elephant & Castle (although taking someone you want to have intimate relations with to the place where the man who reluctantly brought you up as his own died, is rather macabre).
I have passed your details on to someone who is more qualified to help you. Mr Abdas Hazari, Consultant Plastic Surgeon in Canterbury has said that he may be able to assist you in looking less “Fred Westy” by reducing your inherited ape like nose. Mention my name and I will get a referral fee.
One thought on “Ask Aunty Permelia”
So funny. Do you think Scott has realised he’s nothing but a chew toy that people just laugh at?